Vice in virtue Virtue in Vice

Every now and again the world makes up for the morose grind and tedium served up under the working title ‘Life’. Just once in a while we each get a little gift, a tiny nugget of delight that keeps us grinning like celebrity divorce lawyers. Just such a zinger hit the magazine’s inbox this last week and there was much rejoicing. Yea verily. Not since that Northumbrian farmer sprayed four tonnes of slurry over a branch of NatWest Bank with which he had a significant grievance has a news story provoked such enjoyment. It contained the holy trinity of news stories – sex, celebrity and politics – with a welcome, piquant dash of the surreal.
It turns out that Ben Westwood, son of legendary fashion designer Vivienne Westwood, has a pretty serious beef with the Right Honourable Harriet Harman MP, the government’s Minister for Equality. In turn Ms Harman is not exactly loving Westwood’s work – particularly not when it included burlesque, latex-clad carol singing outside of her London home...but we’ll get to that. Oh and it led to the current government being likened to the regime of Adolf Hitler, too, but we’ll get that.
These two were never going to be golfing buddies, naturally. He has gained notoriety for his erotic photography and advocacy of pretty much everything erotica-related. She has been increasingly portrayed, whether fairly or unfairly, as among Westminster’s most ardent feminists with puritanical tendencies. The issue that brought together this unlikely pairing is lap-dancing and the prospect of 15,000 lap-dancers being turned out on to the streets – could there be more dynamite news fodder?
Anyway, last year it emerged that government plans were in place to reclassify the status of lap-dancing clubs. Councils in England and Wales are to be given new powers to reclassify the clubs as sex establishments. Current licensing laws put clubs in the same category as pubs and cafes, but from April, the new legislation will enable residents to oppose venues for being “inappropriate” to the area. Chris Knight, vice president of the Lap-dancing Association [that’s right, we have a Lap-dancing Association!] described efforts to prevent these laws coming into effect as “a battle of survival.” Kind of like Lord of the Rings with tassels I guess.
Apparently there are also fears that the new laws would lead to the dancers being reclassified as sex workers. But, as Westwood levelled at Ms Harman: “Since when has a flash of nipple been a sex encounter?” [kind of see your point Ben] “Titillation and fun must be completely devoid from the ‘Har-person’ household [Ooh mercy, put those claws away], so we are going to ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’ outside her South London home.”
So that’s just what he did. He and three female companions in latex rubber Little Red Riding Hood suits [from the Japanese couture latex design company Atsuko Kudo no less] sang and gambolled in protest outside the house of a minister of the realm. Apparently the festive tunes included Santa Baby, The Holly and the Ivy, and Christmas is Coming. Apparently some ‘stocking fillers’ were left for Ms Harman but it is unclear whether they were opened [let alone enjoyed – *shudder*].
The minister justified her stance on this issue by saying: “If people don’t want to have a sleazy lap-dancing club in their neighbourhood, they shouldn’t be forced to have one.” Now put that way, even with the emotive language, it doesn’t seem entirely unreasonable does it? I wouldn’t really like a club of any kind opening up next door to my house – lap-dancing or otherwise. But should strippers, pole-dancers, lap-dancers and the like really be put in the same bracket as prostitutes? Are the lap-dancing establishments really to have a similar categorisation as a brothel? Difficult and dangerous territory this, particularly for a male of the species to argue, as it raises the age-old debate about whether things like Page 3, pornography and lap-dancing clubs are degrading to women.
Never having given it a great deal of thought, I’d have to say I really don’t know. But with splendid theatricality Westwood asserts that there is a different set of principles at risk, saying: “It’s worth remembering that all oppressive regimes throughout history have been sexually puritanical”...“Hitler campaigned on closing the ‘immoral and decadent’ Berlin made famous in the Liza Minelli film Cabaret.” Don’t look now but I think we’ve just witnessed a puritanical political storm featuring latex, lap-dancers and now Liza. It really is the dream.

Workplace wind-ups? Rude or annoying customers? Irritating colleagues? Want to share? Email: jack@theappointment.co.uk

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